‘Holes’ is bulletproof; ‘Bulletproof Monk’ has holes

Uncle Don

‘Holes’ is filled with good, dark humor

Wonderfully strange and darkly humorous, “Holes” is a movie that

leapfrogs over several Hollywood formulas to land squarely in the

land of original and offbeat films.

Louis Sachar, who wrote the excellent screenplay based on his own

highly acclaimed novel for young adults, has created a film that will

produce wry smiles from even sophisticated grown-ups.

At the core of the story is the plight of Stanley Yelnats. He is

the fourth generation of first-born males with the same name from a

bizarre and unlucky family. Stanley is wrongfully convicted of a

theft he did not commit and sentenced to 18 months in a stark desert

work camp for teenage delinquents. Each inmate has the same hard

labor job: to dig a hole 5 feet wide and 5 feet deep every day in the

parched earth of a dry lake bed.

As Stanley digs his hole day after day, we see ongoing flashbacks

of the family history: How a gypsy curse was placed on his

great-grandfather. How his grandfather made a fortune in the last

century only to have it stolen in a stagecoach robbery by a famous

bandit. How his father cannot succeed at anything.

The flashbacks present us with multiple story lines spanning a

couple of centuries. Some are dramatic, some are silly and some ring

true to life, but they all intertwine to reveal deep connections

between them.

In between flashbacks, we come to know Stanley’s fellow inmates

ZigZag, Armpit, X-ray, Squid, Magnet and Zero. Well portrayed by

unknown actors, they are smart, way cool and look out for each other.

Of course, the adults running the camp are foolish parodies of

themselves. Jon Voight is over the top as Mister Sir, the camp boss

who does the dirty work for the cowgirl warden, played with sneering

arrogance by Sigourney Weaver.

Reminiscent of the oddball comedy of “O Brother Where Art Thou” or

“The Princess Bride,” recurring themes abound. Yellow spotted

lizards, buried treasure, God’s thumb, sweet onions and fat pigs all

have roles to play in the many subplots that mark this complex and

fascinating tale.

In the end, all these wild elements converge to reveal something

about human nature that takes this film beyond the obvious and into

something mysteriously charming and satisfying. “Holes” is a

delightful time at the movies.

* JOHN DEPKO is a Costa Mesa resident and a senior investigator

for the Orange County public defender’s office.

‘Bulletproof Monk’ is shot down

Faster than a speeding Yugo, more powerful than an HO-gauge model

railroad set, able to leap large holes in the script in a single

bound, look, up on the screen, it’s too fat to be a bird, it’s too

slow to be a plane, it’s “Bulletproof Monk.”

Able to do more things than any machine made by Ronco, he slices,

he dices, he peels, he frappes, he kicks butt and takes names, but he

sure can’t act, and the beginning of the movie shows he ain’t

bulletproof.

Flying around like Peter Pan, leaping like Nureyev and falling

like Chevy Chase, the Bulletproof Monk really should have eaten a lot

more lead much earlier in this real barker.

Well, it’s Friday night at the local cinema, and in attendance was

a crowd of a couple baker’s dozens waiting to view this week’s

schlock suey.

Did you ever suffer through “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon,” that

pathetically ridiculous bit of cinematic drivel? Well its hero is

back, Chow Yun-Fat, as its basic premise, an icon that everyone must

have and that no one needs.

We amble our way back in time to 1943 or so. The Nazis have

invaded yet another poor hapless country, only this one has a

monastery. The joint is actually called the Temple of Sublime Truth,

a sure sign we’re headed for intellectually vapid territory. Within

this monastery is an artifact, a scroll, that if read aloud, could

provide ultimate power to whomever does the reading. So you’ve got

your requisite blond-haired, blue-eyed evildoers who have no problem

mowing down a menage of monks by machinegun on their quest to find

the scroll.

Unfortunately, the quest fails, otherwise this flick would be over

in short order, but we, the wretched viewers, must pay the price by

suffering for the next hour or so through one of the most insipid

chase films you’ll ever have the misfortune to view.

The scroll conveniently provides everlasting youth to whoever

holds it. That saves big time on the makeup budget, as Chow Yun-Fat

can look the same in 2003 as he did in 1943. Maybe the scroll is the

recipe for a combo of Oil of Olay and Grecian Formula 16.

For whatever reason, the protector of the scroll must find a

successor after 60 years. Yun-Fat, now in New York, is still evading

the white, short-haired, overcoated, sunglass-wearing,

black-helicopter-riding Nazis.

With Yun-Fat continuously spouting Confucius as interpreted by

Hallmark cards, we actually get to hear dialogue like: “If you

believe, then it is” and “The coast is clear.” That’s a good as it

gets.

There’s a lot a jabbering in this flick about the concept of

belief, that if your belief is strong enough, then you can stop time,

repeal the laws of gravity, live forever, turn water into wine, and

see the Chicago Cubs play in the World Series. Well, there was no

stronger belief than mine that the film should end immediately. It

didn’t. Stupid belief.

So who’s gonna be the new keeper of the scroll? You’ve got a

Larry, Curly and Moe selection of the pickpocket, the rich mob

heiress or the unscrupulous monk.

Meanwhile, the script, written like a fortune cookie, jumps over

the cliff of stupidity and lands in a ditch of insipidness, while

everyone fights on, floating like blubberflies, stinging like fleas.

So, let’s see. You’ve got this here scroll. It has no positive

value. It doesn’t cure cancer, end war, promulgate peace or eliminate

liberals. But if someone gets his grubby paws on it, he can control

the world and live forever. So why keep the thing? Must have covered

that been while I slept.

“Bulletproof Monk” is wanton celluloid abuse.

* UNCLE DON reviews B-movies and cheesy musical acts for the Daily

Pilot. He can be reached by e-mail at [email protected].