RETAIL ROUNDUP

With the holidays looming, we tend to freak out even more easily than

we usually do, but there’s one thing we can always count on to help us

keep things together.

No, it’s not Xanax. It’s Scotch tape! My god, without those sticky

little strips of tape, chaos would surely consume us.

We bring this up, of course, because we received an exciting press

pack from the kind people who make Scotch tape. Not only did it include a

couple rolls of tape, it also included some bizarre, miscellaneous

statistics that brought something resembling a smile to our trembling

face.

For example: 90% of Americans think it’s crucial to use “tape that

doesn’t show on the wrapping paper.”

Can this possibly be true? We at Retail Roundup aren’t that concerned

about such issues; we feel we’ve accomplished something important if we

can just manage to send a gift that’s less than a month late.

SING-ALONG

A guy who never has this problem, Santa Claus, is a major role model

for us. Santa has no apparent source of income, has idiosyncratic taste

in fashion, and gets more done in a single night of frantic work than we

do in six months of drudgery. The man is a dynamo!

Santa Claus will not be giving a self-help seminar at 6 p.m. Nov. 27

at the offices of South Coast Plaza, which is sort of a shame. But he

will be helping to light the plaza’s 90-foot-tall tree. The event is free

and open to the public.

There will also be a sing-along, which is very exciting. The group

performing will be the famous All-American Boys Chorus, whose harmonious

voices can be thought of as a sort of metaphor for the unity of the

Christmas spirit and exuberant consumerism.

REFURBISHED AND RENEWED!

Let’s also make sure we mention the new Palm Garden at the Four

Seasons Hotel in Newport Beach.

The Garden, which is done up in “malachite and sage green, shades of

oyster, pearl and gold,” is probably very beautiful. We’re not completely

certain, because we don’t know what malachite is, or whether it goes with

oyster and gold.

But we bet it’s lovely. Go get married there, as soon as possible.

We’ll be sending you a gift, gorgeously taped, at some point in the

future.