Even jailbirds glamorize their resumes

Some folks can’t help polishing up their resumes, including those checking into jail. Deputy Sheriff Mike Ascolese says that the “occupation” question on booking slips at the Van Nuys Courthouse has elicited such interesting titles as “domestic goddess” (housewife), “vehicular relocator” (parking valet) and “exotic talent coordinator” (pimp).

Ascolese, writing in the Star News, a Sheriff’s Department publication, said he also recently booked a stripper who “proudly said she was a ‘disrobing technician.’ ” Of course her talents were of no use in jail, where the dress code is: Keep it on. Keep it all on.

Stupid Criminal Tricks

A Carpinteria man decided he would share his neighbor’s cable service by illegally running a line to his own house. He figured the neighbor would never notice.

Unfortunately for the thief, when he finished the hook-up he had cut off the neighbor’s service, the Coastal View News reported. The neighbor noticed! (Then, so did law enforcement.)

Furnishing humor

Mention was made here of decorating styles misspelled in print, such as French “pervential” and “chip and dale.” Well, my colleague Leslie Ward noticed some housing decor just meant for a Mideast potentate (see accompanying).

And Mark and Tracy Feder of Oxnard saw a sign indicating that an antique store was bringing in some new old things -- or is it old new things (see accompanying). Now I’m all mixed up, which is nothing new.

Looking a gift box in the mouth

“I find it interesting,” wrote Leslie Evans of El Segundo, “that one piece of this 6-piece gift-set is the box that the other five things come in” (see accompanying).

Unclear on the concept

Of one food ad she saw (see accompanying), Lela Rodriguez of Arcadia commented: “Anything tastes great grilled, but how do you keep the berries on the grill?”

Giving the City of Angels the devil

On the subject of wisecracks aimed at L.A., Bob Boyd of La Canada said that for “many years I carried in my wallet a short quote that appeared in a Herb Caen column in San Francisco.

It went something like this: ‘He wanted to escape from civilization so, when he got the money, he moved to Southern California.’ ”

Boyd no longer has the clipping. He lost it, and his wallet, down here, when “my wife, mother-in-law and myself were robbed at gunpoint.”

L.A. insults (cont.)

Ken Kobylenski of Santa Barbara recalled this exchange between David Letterman and Johnny Carson:

Letterman: “How are things in California?”

Carson: “Fine; the mudslides are putting out the fires.”

miscelLAny

This security mania is getting out of hand.

I pulled into a parking lot in the MacArthur Park area of L.A. and an attendant asked me about my driver’s license.

I figured it was some new precaution and started to pull out my wallet.

“No,” he said.

“Do you need a driver’s license?”

One is enough for me, I told the vehicular relocator.

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Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LATIMES, Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A. 90012, and by e-mail at [email protected]