LAUGH LINES

Don’t Hold Your Breath: The IRS has awarded an $8-billion contract to modernize its outdated computer system. “The bad news is that they awarded it to a little old lady in Omaha expecting a $29 refund.” (Steve Voldseth)

Static on the Line: A paparazzo was charged with selling information intercepted from a phone call between Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. “He could have saved a lot of trouble by getting it directly from Linda Tripp.” (Stan Kaplan)

Deck the Halls of Power: “President Clinton threw a Christmas party for all 535 members of Congress. During the festivities, several congressmen told the president, ‘This is great, now we don’t have to have a going-away party.’ ” (Conan O’Brien)

Turn Out the Lights: A workers’ mistake left some 1 million people in San Francisco without power last week. “The worker apologized for the mistake, saying he didn’t realize Kathie Lee’s Christmas special wasn’t until Friday.” (O’Brien)

Amazing Scientific Facts: “Scientists announced they discovered a skeleton that could reveal secrets of human origins. Then today, scientists realized that all they had actually found was Calista Flockhart taking a nap.” (O’Brien)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.