LAUGH LINES

Medical Miracle Department: The Food and Drug Administration says 3 million men in America have tried Viagra. “It must be popular in the South. That’s because researchers say 90% of the men over 75 who buy Viagra are whistling Dixie.” (Argus Hamilton)

Speaking of Medical Miracles: Researchers in Chicago have made significant steps toward curing baldness by growing new follicles in mice. “The scientists plan to open a new hair transplant clinic for men. It’ll be called ‘Of Mice for Men.’ ” (Joshua Sostrin)

Medical Miracle III: According a new study, vitamin E can help cure memory loss. “Or was it vitamin D?” (Rudolph C. Cecera)

From the Sports Desk: Locked out NBA players may put together an exhibition game this month. “The game will benefit a nonprofit organization that serves society’s unwanted misfits and ne’er-do-wells . . . the Clippers.” (Jerry Perisho)

Starr Power: Ken Starr’s office could be open another two years. “It’s no surprise, especially with Starr now investigating why Chelsea broke up with her boyfriend.” (Premiere Radio)

From the Campaign Trail: Janet Reno has decided not to appoint an independent counsel to investigate Al Gore for alleged indiscretions in his campaign fund-raising. “Without an independent counsel to boost Gore’s approval rating, Republicans now have a shot at taking the White House in 2000.” (Sostrin)

Dr. Doom: “60 Minutes” got its highest ratings of the year on the Sunday night when Dr. Jack Kevorkian euthanized a patient on camera. “They did so well that CBS has changed its slogan from ‘Come Home to CBS’ to ‘God’s Calling You Home to CBS.’ ” (Jay Leno)

Sea Cup: To help give women bigger busts, stores are selling the new water bra, a brassiere filled with water and oil. “And for women who like to bring their own salad dressing to restaurants, the bra also comes in a model that’s filled with vinegar and oil.” (Sostrin)

Without a Hitch: The finale of the “Psycho” remake “happens when devotees of Hitchcock leap up and slash the movie screen.” (Gary Easley)

Road Rage: Legislation has been introduced in Sacramento that may lead to the elimination of carpool lanes in California. “Shucks, that would take away the fun of going the speed limit in a diamond lane and making the guys behind you crazy.” (LaMonte Laments)

Always the Last Place You’d Look: Martin Gurule, a death row inmate who escaped from a prison in Texas, continues to elude capture. “He’s hiding where no one will find him . . . the upper right box on ‘Hollywood Squares.’ ” (Perisho)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.