LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: How cold is it? In Virginia, says Jay Leno, it’s been so chilly that Oliver North has wrapped himself in two flags.

Leno, on Prince Chuck saying that he was trapped in a loveless marriage: “At first, he tried to throw himself into his work. Then he realized, ‘I don’t have any work.’ ”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Chuck accusing his parents of neglecting him as a child: “They often took away his toys--Canada, India and Bermuda.”

Mills, on Mr. Blackwell’s latest fashion opines: “He says Marcia Clark should wear longer dresses, O.J. should avoid loud colors, and that Judge Lance Ito’s black robes just scream out for accessories.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Kim Jong Il, North Korea’s new leader, making his first public appearance since July 20th: “He said he had spent the last three months punching up scripts on Margaret Cho’s ‘All-American Girl’ sitcom.”

In the past month, President Clinton has saved Haiti, backed down Iraq, disarmed North Korea and cemented Mideast peace. He’s rolling, says comic Argus Hamilton: “Things are much smoother since Hillary was demoted to First Lady.”

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Also in the news: Comedy writer Marc A. Holmes, on a gene in an Italian family that allows them to eat any foods without developing clogged arteries: “Researchers are calling it the Chef Boyardee gene.”

Holmes, on some patrons fainting from the graphic violence in the movie “Pulp Fiction”: “The last time this happened on such a large scale was during Tim Conway’s first nude scene.”

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on the 9-year-old Massachusetts boy who used his local library’s pay phone to respond to sex ads in the library’s copy of Playboy magazine: “When his parents threatened to punish him with a whipping, he replied, ‘I already ordered one--from 1-900-SPANK ME.’ ”

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Briefly: “For Halloween, Dianne Feinstein and Mike Huffington have decided to smear mud on themselves and go as each other’s campaign.”

--Gary Easley

“The one nice thing about egomaniacs is that they don’t go around talking about other people.”

--Tom Freeman “Grunge is when teen Angst meets allowance reality.”

--Jason R. Sakurai *

When Beverly Hills reader Poppy Paulos visited the office of a major studio head, the exec’s young daughter demonstrated an elaborate system of buzzers that operated doors, TV sets and a hidden bar to Paulos’ son, Nick, 5. Unimpressed, Nick offered what he thought was a better invitation:

“That’s nothing. I’ll take you to my dad’s office. It’s got bugs.”