Other Poll Steals Laughs This Week

THE COLLEGES

Nothing makes the Bottom Ten selectors angrier than when the Top 25 ratings try to be funny. But the New York Times Computer Rankings succeeded this week when it declared Kansas State No. 1 in the nation. That’s No. 1 among the best teams. Kansas State.

Well, at least the Bottom Ten still has Houston (0-5) to place-kick around. The Cougars absorbed their 10th consecutive loss, a 7-38 rout at the hands, feet, knees and elbows of Texas A&M.; The game marked the 100th anniversary of A&M;’s first game, a 14-6 victory over Galveston’s Ball High on Oct. 8, 1894.

As the score indicates, Ball High provided stiffer competition than Houston.

Right behind Houston is Arkansas State, which advanced with a 0-26 loss to Southwest Louisiana, a school that is so obscure that Bottom Ten officials were unable to determine what state it is located in.

The rankings:

Rk. School, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Houston (0-5) 7-38, Texas A&M; SMU 2. Ark State (1-5) 0-26 SW Louisiana Memphis 3. Iowa State (0-5) 6-34, Oklahoma Kansas 4. San Jose St. (1-5) 20-34, Washington Idle 5. LSU (1-4) 18-42 Florida Kentucky 6. Missouri (1-4) 23-38 Colorado Okla. St. 7. Stanford (1-3-1) 35-36 Arizona State USC 8. UCLA (2-4) 7-26 Cal Oregon State 9. (tie) Tulsa (1-4) 17-24, UTEP Nev LV 9 (tie) Tulane (1-4) 0-13 Memphis TCU

11. SMU (1-5); 12. Oregon State (1-4); 13. Pitt (1-5); 14. Arkansas (2-4); 15-18 Pentagon (Coast Guard, Army, Navy, Air Force (6-14); 19. Idle; 20. The Bottom Ten (which once had the 3-2 Cal Bears ranked No. 1).

Crummy Game of the Week (maybe the year): Houston (0-5) vs. SMU (1-5).

Mandatory one-week suspension (for winning a game): New Mexico (1-5).

Dishonorable Mention: The Pac 10, which is 2-6 vs. WAC teams.

THE PROS

It’s like they always say about the NFL: On any given Sunday, a Shula-coached team can lose. Even when Dave’s Bungles have the week off.

Don’s Miami club lost to Buffalo last Sunday. And Cincinnati renews its quest to become the first 0-16 team in NFL history Sunday when it plays the Pitts. Don’t be fooled by Cincy’s fast start, though. Last year, the Bungles raced out to an 0-10 beginning only to wind up winning three games.

Flagstaff Coach Buddy Ryan, meanwhile, said he had placed his entire team on the physically-unable-to-perform list, raising doubts whether the Cardinals will score again this season.

Then, again, the team has tallied only 49 points in its first five games. This despite Ryan’s memorable vow to reporters of a few weeks ago: “I think you’re going to see a different Eagle offense next week.” The scary thing is he was speaking of the Cardinals.

The rankings:

BOTTOM TEN SIX-PACK

Rk. Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Cincinnati (0-5) Idle Pitts 2. Flagstaff (1-4) 3-38, Dallas Washington 3. Tampa Bay (2-4) 13-34, Atlanta Idle 4. Houston (1-4) Idle Cleveland 5. New Orleans (2-4) 7-17, Chicago San Diego 6. Indy (2-4) 6-16, N.J. Jets Buffalo

HEISMAN HOT-SHOTS

Winner (Pos../Year ’94 Team (Statistics) 1. C. Ward (QB/1993) Undrafted (signed with NBA Knicks) 2. G. Torretta (QB/1992) Inactive 3. D. Howard (WR/1991) Washington (10 catches, 191 yards) 4. T. Detmer (QB/1990) Green Bay (0 passes) 5. A. Ware (QB/1989) Inactive

Senior Quarterbacks Tour: ABC’s next flop Monday Night Game of the Week pits creaky old-timers Joe Montana (K.C.) vs. John Elway (Denver).