LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Among David Letterman’s Top 10 new promotional slogans for CBS television:

* Where’s the remote control?

* The shows are funnier if you’re drunk.

* Now we suck as much as Fox.

* You could win a chance to father Murphy Brown’s next baby.

* Tonight might be the night Dan and Connie do it.

* Watch us and “Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman” will write you a prescription for the drug of your choice.

* You can’t spell CBS without BS.

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That’s entertainment: Comedy writer Terry Heath, on NBC’s “The Martin Short Show” becoming the first fall television season casualty: “Technically speaking, the show goes on what is called hiatus . That’s in the same manner that Jimmy Hoffa is on hiatus .”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Roseanne talking about her 21 personalities: “She says her only regret is that not one of them is a divorce lawyer.”

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In the news: Jay Leno, on a survey that shows Gen. Colin Powell could be elected President: “What party would he belong to? What’s more strange, seeing a military man at the Democratic convention, or a minority at the Republican convention?”

Leno, on Boris Yeltsin saying that America and Russia are like a giant, half-a-billion person family: “Oh yeah, these two countries are like a family. And he is the drunken brother-in-law who is borrowing money all the time.”

Mills, on the space shuttle Endeavour: “The astronauts are using new radar technology to study the Earth’s endangered species--including pandas, gorillas and Democrats up for reelection.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on a report that despite a major effort to improve, on-time mail delivery for local letters was largely unchanged this summer: “Postmaster General Marvin T. Runyon Jr. is considering a new promotional campaign: ‘Write Fewer Letters, Make More Phone Calls.’ ”

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on the book by the private doctor of China’s Chairman Mao, which describes him as “an irritable, manipulative egotist who surrounded himself with sycophants”: “So what? That sounds like most American politicians.”

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Sexual harassment is out.

I know this without any doubt.

But if I don’t inquire, if I light your fire,

How am I going to find out?

--Walt Hopmans, Santa Barbara

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Reader Jerry Engel of Beverly Hills says that his 18-month-old granddaughter, Haley, recently had lunch at his home and “celebrated” finishing her meal by tearing her napkin into little pieces and dropping them on the floor.

My wife, using a moderately stern voice, told her to “pick up the paper please, and bring it to me.”

With a smile on her face, Haley immediately presented my wife with the newspaper.