LAUGH LINES

Jay Leno, on McDonald’s plans to deliver its food to hotels: “Boy, that’s good news for the President, huh? Now he can get something sent to his room that won’t sue him three years later.”

Leno, on Firestone’s recent survey revealing that 38% of men say they love their cars more than women: “I can understand this. When you’re trying to figure out what’s wrong with your car, it doesn’t go, ‘Nothing.’ Why are you making that noise? ‘I don’t know.’ Everything OK? ‘Yeah.’ ”

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Comedy writer Paul Steinberg, on the new study saying that during the Cold War, Chinese officials were remarkably skilled at manipulating U.S. officials to make them feel guilty, obligated and dependent: “I guess dealing with the Chinese was a lot like dealing with an entourage of mothers.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Clinton denouncing Rush Limbaugh and Jerry Falwell: “Good strategy. If there are only two people in the world lower than you are, then by all means, dwell on them.”

Hamilton, on Sen. Ted Kennedy announcing that he is going to lead the fight against the sexual harassment of women: “How noble of him. What’s he going to do, turn state’s evidence?”

Comedy writer Bob Mills says our country’s World Cup soccer upset of Colombia last week couldn’t have come at a better time, following consecutive U.S. losses to Bosnia, Haiti and North Korea.

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the World Cup celebration last Friday in Huntington Park, during which some 5,000 people turned violent and some looted stores: “In keeping with the rules of soccer, the unruly fans didn’t use their hands and only shop-lifted with their feet.”

Peyser, on Mayor Richard Riordan helping to win approval last year for a rail project that brought hundreds of thousands of dollars to a company in which he holds a large stake: “Riordan put his private holdings in a blind trust ‘to avoid any potential conflicts of interest.’ I guess that didn’t cover any actual conflicts.”

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Quickly: Did you hear what happened to “Sunset Blvd.” at the Shubert? Glenn Closed and Faye got Dunaway with.

--Stephen Schwartz

One good measure of a flagging economy is the number of companies operating at half staff.

--Katherine Poehlmann

You know it’s time to leave show-biz when your biological clock ticks so loud it ruins the sound track.

--Stewart Lyons

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Reader Adrienne Bankston of Carson told her 3-year-old brother to sit in the car while she went to the ATM, and not to talk to strangers. He said OK.

When I returned to the car, he said, “I didn’t talk to any stranger.” I told him that was very good.

Then he responded: “Everyone that walked by said that their name wasn’t stranger!”