Winning? It’s Standard for Unser

Downey’s California:

--Everyone missed the most unique thing about Al Unser winning the Indy 500 in an auto made by Mercedes-Benz. The car came with factory air-conditioning, CD player, dual air bags, power sunroof, 24-hour free roadside assistance, adjustable power seats, beige leather interior, five-year, 50,000-mile limited warranty and the kind of sensational resale value you just don’t see around Indy much any more.

--Oh, and Unser leased it.

--Spike Lee, sit your skinny-little, Ewing-kissing, opponent-baiting, Knick-at-nite, do-the-wrong-thing, Foot Locker-wardrobe-wearing, where-were-you-two-years-ago, Malcolm-X-was-an-hour-too-long, bony butt down.

--I never thought I’d see the day when an Indiana Pacer called somebody else a choker.

--Rik, Jimmy Smits, no relation?

--My new prediction: Game 7, World Series, the Minnesota Twins squeak another one out over the Atlanta Braves in 10 innings, 22-21.

--Coach Buddy Ryan and quarterback Jim McMahon are being reunited in this week’s episode of Buddy and Butthead.

--The Dodgers now have a shortstop named Eddie Pye. The other guys intend to divide up his playoff share eight ways.

--Pye’s uniform number should be 3.14159265.

--(Explanations available on request.)

--You know, two different guys have spent millions and millions of dollars to buy the Kings’ hockey franchise over the last few years, but I now believe that it is entirely possible that I have more actual money than either one of them.

--Basketball Coach Mike Krzyzewski of Duke University announced today that he has no announcement.

--You younger golfers who don’t want Arnold Palmer to play in the U.S. Open, boy, sometimes I wish Arnie wasn’t such a sweet person so that he could swing a set of Ping irons at your thick skulls and keep going Ping, Ping, Ping until he left deep, ugly, permanent divots.

--Actress Halle Berry is in “The Flintstones” and is married to Atlanta slugger David Justice. This is a woman who knows cavemen and Brave men.

--What could really help Dave is one of those Flintstone-sized bats.

--Roberto-Bobby-Roberto Kelly has yet to rename himself since joining the Braves.

--More than 91,000 tickets to the World Cup ’94 soccer championship game at the Rose Bowl are reportedly being held for ransom by a Madison, Wis., travel agency. No explanation is being given.

--It’s official: U.S. soccer player Alexi Lalas is the winner of the I Look Like I Sell Flowers Near the Airport contest.

--Tony Meola could be the best pony-tailed goalie since Manon Rheume.

--”An American in Paris,” starring Mary Pierce. Parental guidance not advised.

--In next year’s National Spelling Bee, children will be asked to spell the names of Spanish tennis players.

--I see where the San Francisco Giants might be interested in obtaining Darryl Strawberry sometime soon. Yeah, this is just what Darryl needs to ease his stress--a chance to play right field again in front of his adoring fans at Dodger and Shea Stadiums.

--Dear Darryl: I have two words of advice. One of them is “American” and the other is “League.”

--News item: In amateur draft, California Angels select outfielder, 18, who must first spend next two years on Mormon mission, making him unable to work in major leagues. Reaction: Please, son, ask church to send someone on mission to help save California Angels.

--Could be about time for the Vancouver Canuck coach to investigate whether any of the New York Rangers are using illegal sticks.

--The NASCAR Goodwrench 200 auto race was won last Saturday by driver Mike Wallace. By my stopwatch, Morley Safer ran second and Andy Rooney brought up the rear.

--Dope-smoking, crack-buying, shoplifting tennis players, on the next “Mike.”