Viking rings and other gifts you can’t afford

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If you’re still stuck at work this close to Christmas, you’re probably staring off into the distance, dreaming of what you could have bought if you magically found the $50 billion Bernie Madoff swindled out of various people across the country. You might be able to dispose of it quickly with Neiman Marcus’ Christmas Book. The annual catalog details ways to spend excessive amounts of money on things you didn’t even know existed. So in case you’ve somehow stumbled across a few billion this holiday season, here are some ways you could part with it.

Love the Dallas Cowboys? Love grass (the kind on the ground)? Maybe you want to shell out $500,000 on the 530 square yards of Texas Stadium’s end zone. The stadium is being put out to pasture, and they’re selling off the parts. Your friends will be able to see the big ‘Cowboys’ logo when they fly over your house in their private jets! (Though installation isn’t included.) It comes with a VIP package to attend the opening of the new stadium in 2009, and autographed memorabilia from Cowboy legends.

If you’re more of a music maven than a sports guy, you can spend $275,000 on every single 45 rpm vinyl record listed on the Billboard Top 100 charts from 1955 to 1990. Hope you have a big closet. And a record player. Or else this gift might be kind of like buying Confederate money after the Civil War.

But maybe Christmas is the time for you to ask that special lady to be your wife. She might not say no if you give her an original medieval or Renaissance ring or two. One of them is supposedly from the days Viking chieftains gave warriors rings before they headed off to battle Orcs or whatever enemies they fought back then. How romantic. That’ll run you $25,000 and up. Then you can cozy up to her parents and ask them to shell out $1.3 million on a luxury destination wedding package in ... Newport Beach. They’ll get a couture wedding dress and 40 ocean-view guest villas as part of the deal. Bring your own booze.

Enough about her. Let’s talk more about you and your sports dreams. Maybe you always wanted to play basketball for the Lakers but run as slow as molasses. For only $110,000, you can get guaranteed playing time on the Harlem Globetrotters. You also get an official uniform (what, you thought you were going to play in your college sweatshirt?) and introduction as a special guest. If golf is more your thing, the same amount of money will get you a three-hole golf course designed by Jack Nicklaus. Yard not included. How will you choose?

Don’t believe us? Go check it out yourself. We haven’t even told you about the $10-million thoroughbred racing stable package, the $250,000 authentic Guinness Home Pub, or the $100,000 M-Velope Transformable Structure (no, sorry, it’s not a real Transformer). There’s lots more stuff in the catalog too: expensive jewelry and clothing and sultry models. So whip out all the credit cards you haven’t cut in half this year and start a’ spending. Because if 2008 has taught us anything, it’s that large sums of money rarely stay in anyone’s pocket for long.

-- Alana Semuels